Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize