He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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