Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
