I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
