Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
