If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
