my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
