nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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