God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
