The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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