Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
