Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
