The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
3pm strippers are depressing
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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