Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
