I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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