I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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