Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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