I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
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