What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
