I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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