thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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