dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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