I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
