My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
