When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
