I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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