Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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