She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
