its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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