I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
