She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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