It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
