I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize