So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
