I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
