I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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