god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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