omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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