Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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