Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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