; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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