you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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