were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
