She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
