From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
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