This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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