I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
