you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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