the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
