So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
