I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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