I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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