he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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