So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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