i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
