oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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