Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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