My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Randomize