My Higher Power is John Stamos
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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