i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
